Is being a "good person" good enough?

After my mother passed away in 2002 (I was seventeen) I began a descent into a deep and dark place and I was literally spiraling out of control. I dropped out of high school my last semester senior year and did things I was not proud of - not only physically but mentally - to my family. I cannot tell you what inside of me clicked or why it did when it did but I can tell you that unannounced to me something was about to overcome me and change the path I was on forever. I literally woke up one day (during the Summer after I dropped out) got dressed and drove to my high school. Now, mind you there was very minimal staff working since it was the Summer. I walked up the stairs to the counselor's office and walked into my counselor's office (who was not supposed to be there that day) and completely broke down.

That amazing woman gave me the strength and guidance to get registered for classes that Fall and move forward with getting my diploma. I can tell you that going back to high school the year after you were supposed to graduate was hard. The looks, rumors, attitude, and all the other things that go along with the "mean kids" was present and in full force in my life that first day. I now know that I wasn't alone as I crossed that threshold. As I walked through those doors I took the deepest breath and never looked back...never touched another "bad" thing again in my life and I never had the desire to either.

I graduated that December and with the support of so many people that I couldn't believe it. I was actually embarrassed and getting sick to my stomach as I approached the stage to get my diploma and then suddenly I heard my name and everyone in that auditorium literally stood up yelling and cheered me on so loudly that I will never forget that moment.

After that time in my life I had the support I needed and the love from my family and friends but for whatever reason I chose to endure a very abusive (both physically and mentally) relationship. Until one day I literally grabbed my clothes and walked out the door. I left every other material possession I owned and started over with the help of a friend who took me in and helped me get back on my feet. Now I can't tell you why any of this has happened to me nor do I even care anymore. I can tell you that I am grateful for every single thing that has happened to me in my life to this date because it has made me who I am today.

Okay, so again with the back story...I know - I am notorious for this but, I have a reason for it. And it's this: Through all of that which has happened in my life I have always been a "good person". Yes, I have made bad decisions and done things I am not proud of - haven't we all? But by most peoples standards I would be considered a "good person" going through a rough time in life.

It wasn't until I met my amazing, wonderful, loving and supportive husband that I realized I was missing something in my life. For three years we struggled back and forth on the religion aspect of our lives. We never fought about it we just struggled to find a happy medium when it came to having God in our lives and our marriage. It wasn't until Charlie was 4 months old that we decided to start visiting churches.

It's ironic how timing plays such a huge roll in our lives and sometimes we don't even realize it. The very first church we visited became our church. We loved (and still do) our extended family there. From the moment we started going we were welcomed in and embraced and taught about God and His message. It wasn't crammed down our throats and we weren't told if you don't do this or that you wont go to heaven. We were taught that God's greatest gift is His grace and if we have faith in Him, He will always provide and take care of us. Well, little did we know how much we would lean on those very words, clinging to each syllable as our world came crashing down all around us when Charlie went to be with Jesus and see our maker's face.

So...was being a "good person" good enough? I honestly cannot answer that because I am not God. I wish I could give you a definite answer but, I can't. I can give you my thoughts and view on the subject though.

I would have been the most lost soul walking this lonely cold earth if I hadn't accepted and truly made the commitment to believe that Jesus Christ was and is our Saviour.

I went to my very first ever bible study this morning and here is some of the things I took from this session and these truly amazing women. I was literally in awe and couldn't even speak while listening to them talk about their faith and journey through life's obstacles.

We are not perfect - no one is. If we were perfect then what would be our purpose here? Why would we have such deep and strong emotions? There would be no pain or weakness and we would be strong enough to handle any situation we are faced with if there were no God. We need to be broken and weak in order to let God in and to have His grace surround us. The bigger the hole we have the more grace we can receive from Him. Meaning, the more we admit and accept that we are not perfect and cannot do it alone the more He will surround us and work His miracles - through us and in our lives.

Romans 7:21 Says: "So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me."

Without letting go and "giving it up to God" we will never truly be content in our lives.

I know that I was in a state of denial for many years because we finally had it all. Good jobs, happy marriage, financially stable, great family, etc. I just kept pushing that feeling that something was missing to the back of my mind and reasoning with myself by saying "what could be missing, we have it all!" Until I found God and I opened my heart and soul to Him. Until I stopped trying to hide my hole by filling it with things and let God fill it with His grace.

So tonight I challenge you. I challenge you to take the time to look at your life and where you are. Are you truly satisfied? I challenge you to let go and let God fill the hole within you with His grace. If you don't know where to begin start with a prayer...He is listening, I promise you.

May God Bless you all and I pray that you find His grace if you haven't already - it truly is the most amazing feeling to be so overcome with it tears just fall from your eyes when simply thinking about how awesome He really is.

Kate

Cherishing every single moment.

It has been a rough couple of weeks to say the least. I have really been struggling lately to find my "calling". I feel as though I need to be doing something with my life, my time, my resources to do good. I have also reached a point where I have to make a big decision - one that will impact my family in multiple ways. Prior to Charlie passing away I was in school working on my teaching degree in elementary education. Well, I am happy to say that I have reached the first point in that road - I finally received my Associates. My dilemma is whether or not to move forward with the Bachelor's in Elementary Education or to take a different route. If I do take the teaching path I will be forced to put Cannon in daycare since I will have to do an internship and I just don't think I can do that - literally. I have the next few months to make that decision.....

With honors! I made the Dean's and President's list every semester and I was invited to Phi Theta Kappa! :)

In the meantime I am working on some other things I will share with you in the coming weeks that I am very excited about but, for now a picture catch up. I am cherishing every single moment with our little angel.



He loves his dog!

and his "Char-bear"

We went to the Minnesota Aquarium at the Mall of America - so cool! Sorry about the really bad pictures...

Grandma and I walked the whole first floor of the Mall of America and wore him out!

But not before having some fun at the Disney store! lol He thought it was hilarious - daddy, not so much. :)

Not the best cell phone pics but I'll take ANY pic of our little C!

They are SO close to coming through!

Buddha belly!

He finally figured out the giraffe! Oh how I hope he has a love of giraffe's like Charlie did. It would make my heart flutter. :)

LOVE this little guy so much!

Working on his motor skills! :)



"Like a light switch He will always be there - even in the darkness."

Tonight as I hurried around the house rushing to get out the door on time to church I couldn't stop thinking about how truly excited I was to get there and worship Him and all He has done.There is something about this church that has tugged at me in so many ways even though I tried to fight it since before we even visited. We have always been more comfortable in a smaller setting church and had it in our minds that's where we would be here too. Well, that just shows me how not in control of our destiny we truly are.

We visited several smaller churches prior to King of Kings (KOK). Some... not so welcoming, some welcoming and friendly but just didn't give us that feeling. Then several weeks back at the most random of places (a nail salon) while getting a pedicure I began chatting with the sweetest woman who I ended up talking to the whole time. We got on the subject of trying to find a church and she suggested KOK and spoke very highly of them. Now mind you we saw this church when googling the area and avoided the church because you could just tell it was huge and we didn't want to get lost in the congregation.

So your probably saying to yourself: what is the point of telling me all that information? Well, the point is this: Our plan's don't always work out the way you expect them to and God has a plan that is right for each of us. How do I know this? I am living proof of it. As many of you know our son, Charlie passed away this past Summer and I have been struggling beyond what any of you could truly ever understand. Or so I thought...

The very first week we went to church here Pastor Jon spoke about forgiveness. "Forgiveness in any relationship is key. We need to keep in mind the most important thing - the forgiveness that we have received from Jesus Christ." I wish I could explain to you in words how my walls that have been so built up just came tumbling down and tears were literally and silently pouring down my face while listening to him speak. It was like he was talking right to me! I pray that you will take the time to listen to his message here: http://www.kingofkingswoodburymn.org/?i=5473&mid=18&g=10866


The following weeks have had an even more emotional impact and hit home in a way that is beyond verbal expression for me. They introduced a 6 week series the pastors were going to be going through called Plan B: What do you do when God doesn't show up when you thought he would. Without overwhelming anyone and trying to explain the message myself I strongly encourage you to and I pray that you will take the time to listen to the Plan B messages each week because as Pastor Liz says: you are not alone when it comes to being on Plan B. We are all in good company because no one is living their Plan A. No matter how perfect some one's life seems to be - just know that it isn't.

Here is the link to the first Plan B message and you will find additional links at the bottom of the page to the other weeks. http://www.kingofkingswoodburymn.org/?i=5473&mid=18&g=10866

Tonight was especially moving to me because Pastor Jon talked about how our Plan A turns to Plan B and often times we feel like our world has collapsed around us. As we adjust and begin to function again accepting what has happened to change our course many of us (me included) live in this constant state of fear of "when is it going to happen again, when is Plan C going to take affect? When is my world going to com crashing down all around me - again". This my friends is me in a nut shell.

As I stood in the hallway bouncing my tired, almost 5 month old listening to his words tonight tears were flowing down my face. I wanted to run up to him afterwards and ask him "How do ya'll know what I am going through? Each week you are telling my story and my feelings exactly." But then I remembered what Pastor Liz said "you are not alone when it comes to being on Plan B. We are all in good company because no one is living their Plan A. No matter how perfect some one's life seems to be just know that it isn't." We are all living through our different plans and though each situation different and though some seem more unfair than others there is truly a reason for every thing that happens.

I was emailing a friend the other day who lost her son exactly the same way we lost Charlie. She was having a hard time because her son's birthday was the next day and this is what I told her in the email: "I saw something the other day and I can't remember where or exactly what it said but it was along the lines of this: God doesn't always deal us the hand we are dealt but He is always there to get us through whatever we are faced with as long as we have faith in Him."

I pray that each of you out there that reads this is compelled to listen to these messages and share them with your loved ones because we are ALL on Plan B, C, D, etc. and sometimes we forget that and feel like everyone around us is perfect and living the perfect Plan A when in fact it is the total opposite.

I leave you with this (verbatim) thought from Pastor Jon's sermon tonight:

Even when the power goes out and the lights are dark the light switch is always still there - even if we can't see it. Eventually the power company is going to get the lights back on, right? God is our light switch and though we may not always be able to see Him or feel His presence - He is with us, always.

Romans 8:28

Kate

Where to start...

I am not sure why but this post didn't post the other day so I am posting it now. After rereading it I just want to for warn anyone reading that it's all over the place and a bit emotional...


I have been sitting here for ten minutes now trying to figure out where to start this entry. I have started it ten different ways only to delete them all with frustration of writers block/being overwhelmed with the amount of information I want to share. So.....here is my best attempt to not get you lost in this roller coaster of a post.

Sean went back to Florida to finish up there and was supposed to be coming home on Feb 29th and we got amazing news that he will leaving there on the 6th and hopefully pulling into our driveway returning from a Navy separation for the absolute very last time on the 8th. :) This fact makes me feel so many mixed emotions. On one hand I am sad because I know how much he like traveling and seeing the world but, on the other hand I am so glad because he will never be leaving us again.

Please pray for safe travels home for him.

In the meantime my wonderful Mother-In-Law drive down from Marquette to spend a week with me to keep me company, retain my sanity and of course to love on our sweet bundle of love - Cannon. :)

Speaking of Cannon - the child is growing like a weed! His stats were higher, again, than Char's were! It's weird because he looks smaller than Charlie was but I think it's because his face is narrower and head is smaller. At his 4 month appointment he was 27 inches long and 17 lbs 10oz. Charlie was 26.25 inches long and just over 16 lbs. Crazy - I know.

I sure am missing Charlie lately - especially when I am sewing. I have a dedicated room for my sewing now and every time I am in there I love it but I get a little sad. The whole reason I am sewing the things I am is because of our sweet baby boy. I wish so badly that I could bring him back. I often wonder if God was trying to speak to us to make changes in our lives and we were in the "no one is home" stage not listening. Sean is having a pretty rough time too. Him being gone has been hard on us but I honestly cannot even imagine the pain he must feel wondering if every time the phone rings what news is going to be on the other end. So I have avoided calling him too much to avoid that pain. Although, if I know my husband at all I would guess that he isn't even thinking like that - just me.

I do have a happy moment I wanted to share though. :)

Back Story: I used to take Charlie to the zoo A LOT last Spring/Summer - he loved the giraffes so much. I always packed a lunch and we would go to the cafe by the water park to eat and cool off before finishing off the second half of the zoo. On a particular day we were there with Sara, Cash and Carson and while eating I saw the mom from my group. It was only the second time I had seen her so I introduced myself and said hello and introduced her to Sara. We went about our day and finished lunch at the same table we ALWAYS ate at. This is part of the email she sent me that sent shock waves through my body - in a good way.

"went to the zoo today and had lunch at the restaurant near the jaguars. You may not remember, but that's the first place I met you and Charlie.Anyway, I was thinking of you and suddenly the man at the table began talking to his son... Charlie. It made me smile that I heard his name just as I was thinking of him. He must have heard me thinking about him! :)"

I seem to be getting reminders more and more lately and I love it. Maybe because people are feeling more comfortable about approaching me as time moves forward or maybe because Charlie is starting to give me signs because I am feeling so hopelessly lost lately but whatever it is I do know that I don't want it to stop. Ever.

I have been extremely sad lately because my path crossed with an amazing woman taking care of her beautiful little angel baby who was diagnosed with a very rare skin disorder called EB. Last Saturday her little drummer boy, Tripp, got his angel wings at the very tender age of 2 years and 8 months to the day. You can read more about their story at http://randycourtneytripproth.blogspot.com/ I was following her blog for a little bit before he passed and it just broke my heart to the point where I was sobbing uncontrollably. I wanted to comfort her more than anything. I knew the pain she was going to feel. The knock the wind out of you evertime you took a breath and realized it wasn't a dream - pain. The pain of going from full time care of your child to having absolutely nothing to do other than plan a funeral. And I knew the road that she was about to be traveling would get very rough. Then the more I read however the more I could see that she was more grounded and stronger than I ever could imagine being. So sure of her faith and so amazingly understanding to every card that was dealt to her. She has truly been an inspiration to me without even knowing it.

Please pray for peace for her family as they get through this next year and the rest of their lives.

Now for some happy news....Cannon finally got to experience his first snow! :) Even though we are having a shortage of snow this year we got enough today to take him'sledding' in the driveway and he loved it! He's also starting to sit up on his own and doing lots of rolling!! Love our little stinky butt so much! It's hard to deny now that he looks different than Charlie did but there are moments when he makes a face or turns a certain way that he literally looks identical to Charlie at the coinciding age.

I was also able to add a bunch of stuff to the shop over the past couple of days. Check it out if you haven't had a chance lately. charlieslittleark.etsy.com  I am trying to decide what I want to do with the money I have made from the shop. I don't want to keep it and am looking for some way to donate what I am not reinvesting. So if you have any suggestions let me know. :)

Last thing; if you have been following along with the "Plan B" sermons from our new church here is the link to week 2. Towards the end the pastor talks about the loss of a child quite a bit. It's strange because we have not talked to this pastor at all other than a social hello. Have a listen, it's pretty powerful. http://www.kingofkingswoodburymn.org/?i=5473&mid=18&g=10866

Well, that is all I have for tonight, I am exhausted!

I love and miss this angel so much!

And love this angel so much too!

Such a sweet baby.

Stinky toes! LOL

and crazy eyes...

Napping with mommy!

I tried to slip away and he grabbed onto my pinky!

But I managed to get away....he only naps for 30 minutes at at time and it's really starting to drain me!

Teething cheeks! They are almost through though....

Such a little sweetheart!

Fresh off of a snooze as daddy would say. LOL

Some of the sewing projects I have been working on....

YAY! Grandma is here!! :)

This was at 5pm. I think it got down to -11 with a wind chill of -26 that next morning!

Love having a picture window. :)

Sledding for the first time and he loved it! If you stopped moving he would start grunting! LOL

Marshmallow man!

LOVE LOVE LOVE him! :)

Wowza!

A high of 0 tomorrow and -7 tonight! Looks like a great day to catch up around the house - INSIDE! :) I'll hopefully be getting a blog out tomorrow!

4 months old already?

Our baby is growing so fast! :) We had his 4 month well baby check up yesterday and the doctor was very impressed with him. She said he is ahead of where he should be and to not be surprised if he starts trying to crawl sooner than Charlie did. When doing some tummy time for her he pulled his knees under himself and pushed himself forward and followed that by rolling over from his tummy to back and started giggling! LOL This kiddo cracks me up. All my recent worries were put to rest....as they always are after talking to our old doc. I was also impressed with her and I think she is going to be a good fit for us. :) I will admit it's strange going to a civilian doctors office though...not bad but strange. She did look at the knot in my foot too and has sent a referral in for me to go to a podiatrist to have them look at it since its getting worse. I forget again what it's called but basically it's a bundle of nerves that developed from not wearing supportive shoes. what can I say, I was pregnant in the summer in Florida....flip flops everyday. So, we will see what he says. The good news is they have a podiatrist in their practice. Cannon also got all his shots keeping on schedule and screamed for about 20 seconds. He also slept completely through the night last night from 1830 to 0545 and just took a bottle and went back to sleep. I am most certain this is because of the shots and isn't going to be a regular thing especially since he has a very slight fever. Needless to say I was up a bunch of times still checking on him so I didn't get as much sleep as him but that's OK. :) Love our little stinky butt!

Last thing for today, I wanted to share something from our church. I absolutely love this, they podcast all their sermons on their website and last week when we went to church I literally broke down in tears listening to this sermon. It's called "Plan B" and explores how to get through things when our Plan A abruptly comes to an end. So moving that I don't want to share too much - you just have to listen for yourself. It is actually an 8 week exploration they are doing and I think its an amazing thing. Feel free to follow along each week, I think it is going to be amazing! Also, I went to my very first bible study meeting with the "Mom's in Faith" group at our church and I am really excited to have met the wonderful ladies. There's something about surrounding yourself with positive people that is so breathtaking. :)

http://www.kingofkingswoodburymn.org/?i=5473&mid=18&g=10866