Picking up the pieces.

I am angry.

I am broken.

I am hurt.

There are so many parts to me and the way I process things.

If someone around me is falling apart, experiencing something horrific or having a break down I am the strong one. I am the one that rushes to their side to reassure them that everything is okay and that this world is not our eternity. I am the one that remains calm, cool and collected.

I thank God everyday, multiple times a day for Cannon, his health, happiness and for holding our little family together after Charlie passed. I thank Him for the path he has taken us on even though it doesn't seem fair and it angers me so often. I beg that His will be for me to have peace since I can't have acceptance.

Every day I struggle. I struggle with patience, acceptance, peace, strength and power and guidance over my actions and words.

It has been almost nine months since Cannon was born. I have not been away from him for the entire time other than an hour here or there when Sean has him.
No date night alone with my husband, no evening out with my friends, no day spent at the coffee shop just completely lost in a good book....nothing.

This of course is my own doing because I trust no one. I know I need a break but I literally do not trust a soul (other than Sean) with him. Honestly, I think the reason is more that I could never live with myself if something happened to him and I wasn't there.

I can't even enjoy myself for an hour when I leave him with my husband (who I know is just as, if not more, capable) because my phone is glued to my hand and I am constantly texting to make sure everything is okay.

The rage, pain, sadness and fear that I felt on June 18th, the day we buried Charlie, was the day I realize it was real even though it didn't (and still doesn't) feel real.

All the time and effort I have put into trusting God and learning from the bible seems to escape my mind so often and I literally loose control of my words.

I know God is working His plan in our lives. Being open to it and allowing myself to see that each thing that happens is for a reason has changed my life dramatically.

I only wish I had better control over my actions and reactions to people.

I seem to have lost the ability, or really the desire - to care about others feelings.

This is not who I am or who I want to be.

I am working on it.....but sometimes reacting just seems like the right thing to do in the moment.

I wonder what he would be like today.