These past few days have really knocked me down. It came out of nowhere. Satin has been
knocking banging on my door for months now trying to bring me down.
I refuse to let him win.
I refuse to let my child's memory be in vain and only involve anger.
You see what Satin doesn't understand is that I have God on my side and He has put the people I need into my life.
Today I broke down in my Pastor's office. I couldn't take it anymore. From the day that Charlie died I have been pushed by people to go see someone about what has happened.
Well there is no what to talk about in my eyes. Our child is gone and that is that...
Or is it?
I have always said I don't need someone to tell me it wasn't my fault what happened. Logically I know this is true but, in my heart... no one and I mean no one will ever convince me it wasn't my fault.
However....over time I have come to realize and accept that there are things that I need to talk through with someone other than family or loved ones. Someone I can speak to how I really feel like speaking, say what I really want to say without censoring, scream, yell, cry, and just be how I feel. I have been trying to protect my family and loved ones since all this happened and it is literally starting to deteriorate me from the inside out.
So, I will be taking the steps to get over my pride and accept that I am cannot always be the strong person. There are times when I have to be weak and rely on others. As much as hate admitting it I am broken, weak, vulnerable, angry, hurt and sad.
I have to take these steps for my husband. For Cannon. For Charlie. And for myself.
Recently a friend of mine shared with me a group for bereaved mothers in my area. I joined and though it is heartbreaking to know there are so many other's who have lost their children it truly has been a blessing. I can email with the women and not feel like I have to be careful what I say because I don't want to make others uncomfortable. I am planning to meet with them for the first time next week and I know it is going to be an emotional and most likely draining meeting it is going to be so nice to be around others who understand.
One of the mother's shared this with our group and I felt it was so fitting for the upcoming Mother's Day that I wanted to share it and also have a copy of it forever.
Dear Mr. Hallmark,
I am writing to you from heaven,
and though it must appear
A rather strange idea,
... I see everything from here.
I just popped in to visit,
your stores to find a card
A card of love for my mother,
as this day for her is hard.
There must be some mistake I thought,
every card you could imagine
Except I could not find a card,
from a child who lives in heaven.
She is still a mother too,
no matter where I reside
I had to leave, she understands,
but oh the tears she's cried.
I thought that if I wrote you,
that you would come to know
That though I live in heaven now, I still love my mother so.
She talks with me, and dreams with me;
we still share laughter too,
Memories our way of speaking now,
would you see what you could do?
My mother carries me in her heart,
her tears she hides from sight.
She writes poems to honor me,
sometimes far into the night
She plants flowers in my garden,
there my living memory dwells
She writes to other grieving parents,
trying to ease their pain as well.
So you see Mr. Hallmark,
though I no longer live on earth
I must find a way,
to remind her of her wondrous worth She needs to be honored,
and remembered too
Just as the children of earth will do.
Thank you Mr. Hallmark,
I know you'll do your best
I have done all I can do;
to you I'll leave the rest.
Find a way to tell her,
how much she means to me
Until I can do it for myself,
when she joins me in eternity.
Heartfelt Words by Jody
In Memory of Her Son, Cory