When I need to clear my head I bake or I write or I do both. Today I baked a lot because I had a lot on my mind. I made (all from scratch) apple cinnamon muffins, chocolate chocolate chip muffins/cupcakes and chocolate chip pumpkin bread. Now I need to pass them out to all the neighbors this evening. Hopefully I can convince Sean to go on a walk with me and Cannon. ;)
The past few days have been kind of tough for me. A rollercoaster really. Charlie would have been two years old in just three short weeks and I can't stop thinking about it. I find myself planning his party in my head but then I get so sad because I don't even know what he would have wanted. Would he have been talking enough to tell me? He wasn't talking much at 14 months so I have no idea. I miss him so much and last night I felt like I retreated back to when it first happened as far as my emotions. I hadn't felt the feelings I felt last night for months and it scared me. I broke out into a full body sweat and all night kept having nightmares and tossing and turning.
Ironically just two days ago I was working on my bible study and reviewing the scared section. Jennie (the author) talks about how she would 'sit n spin' at 3am worrying about all kinds of things that she literally had no control over. That was me lat night. Sitting. and spinning. I was worrying again about when my plan C was going to kick in and everything was going to fall apart again in our lives. My anxiety and worry was making me worry about irrational things like someone randomly breaking into the house while we are sleeping. Worrying that someone was going to drink and drive and drive their car into the side of the house that Cannon's room is on. Most of all I worried if I am doing all the things I need to do to ensure that I am reunited with my baby when it's my time.
All of these things are useless worries. I have no control over if anyone is going to break in - all Ican do is make sure I lock my doors. I have no control over if someone drinks and drives - all I can do is tell my son I love him with all my heart when I lay him down and pray each night that he is protected. The last one, sin, is a little tricky. Yes, I have control over my actions but as a human sometimes my emotions get the best of me. Frustration can take over and I can do or say something that I do not mean and once I say it the words are no longer mine. Sometimes I feel the deeper I dig into my soul and the bible the harder it becomes for me to be a good person. There are so many things in the bible that talk about how we should and should not behave yet it seems like today that everything surrounding us in society tempts the exact opposite. I have tried everything and yet I still seem to battle with this fear and worry.
This is where faith steps in. Like Pete Wilson says in his book Plan B - What do you do when God doesn't show up the way you thought he would? "Fear, in of itself, is really not a problem. But fear without faith is a big problem. Fear without faith will eat you alive." It's true...without faith this fear was eating me alive. Instead of opening my heart up and closing my brain off I was allowing this aweful feeling to completely consume my every thought at night. Last night I sat in bed awake most of the night worrying and today I paid for it. Not only did I pay for it but Cannon paid for it and it wasn't his fault. I was tired and not my normal entergetic self rough housing with him and reading to him all day. So tonight I am going to left faith fill my head instead of fear.
Here is a video that will surely make you smile like it did us. Little C sure is showing his silly personality lately. :)
The past few days have been kind of tough for me. A rollercoaster really. Charlie would have been two years old in just three short weeks and I can't stop thinking about it. I find myself planning his party in my head but then I get so sad because I don't even know what he would have wanted. Would he have been talking enough to tell me? He wasn't talking much at 14 months so I have no idea. I miss him so much and last night I felt like I retreated back to when it first happened as far as my emotions. I hadn't felt the feelings I felt last night for months and it scared me. I broke out into a full body sweat and all night kept having nightmares and tossing and turning.
Ironically just two days ago I was working on my bible study and reviewing the scared section. Jennie (the author) talks about how she would 'sit n spin' at 3am worrying about all kinds of things that she literally had no control over. That was me lat night. Sitting. and spinning. I was worrying again about when my plan C was going to kick in and everything was going to fall apart again in our lives. My anxiety and worry was making me worry about irrational things like someone randomly breaking into the house while we are sleeping. Worrying that someone was going to drink and drive and drive their car into the side of the house that Cannon's room is on. Most of all I worried if I am doing all the things I need to do to ensure that I am reunited with my baby when it's my time.
All of these things are useless worries. I have no control over if anyone is going to break in - all Ican do is make sure I lock my doors. I have no control over if someone drinks and drives - all I can do is tell my son I love him with all my heart when I lay him down and pray each night that he is protected. The last one, sin, is a little tricky. Yes, I have control over my actions but as a human sometimes my emotions get the best of me. Frustration can take over and I can do or say something that I do not mean and once I say it the words are no longer mine. Sometimes I feel the deeper I dig into my soul and the bible the harder it becomes for me to be a good person. There are so many things in the bible that talk about how we should and should not behave yet it seems like today that everything surrounding us in society tempts the exact opposite. I have tried everything and yet I still seem to battle with this fear and worry.
This is where faith steps in. Like Pete Wilson says in his book Plan B - What do you do when God doesn't show up the way you thought he would? "Fear, in of itself, is really not a problem. But fear without faith is a big problem. Fear without faith will eat you alive." It's true...without faith this fear was eating me alive. Instead of opening my heart up and closing my brain off I was allowing this aweful feeling to completely consume my every thought at night. Last night I sat in bed awake most of the night worrying and today I paid for it. Not only did I pay for it but Cannon paid for it and it wasn't his fault. I was tired and not my normal entergetic self rough housing with him and reading to him all day. So tonight I am going to left faith fill my head instead of fear.
Here is a video that will surely make you smile like it did us. Little C sure is showing his silly personality lately. :)
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