Staying busy is the name of our game lately....

Well, I am officially 36 weeks now and so torn with wishes that I would go into labor and wishes that I wont for developmental reasons - obviously. Sean and I have watched more movies in the past month than we have probably in our entire relationship...seriously, LOL. We never have been big movie people but we have discovered that it really passes a lot of time. Today we saw Crazy, Stupid, Love - Best. Movie. Ever. Sean even really enjoyed it too! :)

Other than that I pretty much spend my days keeping up with the house, yard, laundry, etc. and in my free time I am sewing again and unfortunately (for Sean) I have rediscovered shopping. Shopping use to be my favorite thing to do before we had Charlie and of course my focus completely changed when our sweet angel came along. It is a dangerous habit and I cannot wait to kick it again when Cannon gets here, LOL. At least I am cheap and refuse to buy anything that isn't on sale. :)

Four weeks to go and my next doctors appointment is on Tuesday. I seriously have the best doctor in the world! When Charlie passed away she drove out to our house and stayed with me for 5 hours to make sure I was okay and she still regularly checks on us and even came to his funeral. Like I said, best doctor ever! She truly loved Charlie and was just as heart broken as we were.

So anyway, the countdown continues....can't wait for the sleepless nights! :)

Wordless Wednesday

One day, step, and breath at a time...

We are slowly getting back into our normal routine. We went back to church for the first time yesterday and I was really surprised how different it went from what I envisioned. Immediately upon walking in we were bombarded (in a good way) with hugs and tears. We started going to our church when Charlie was 4 months old and it was the first of many we were going to "try out" and we never went to another one. There was something about that church that spoke to us and it was our church from the first visit. Everyone loved Charlie and he would entertain everyone in the morning by running around playing and tease sharing his snack with whoever was sitting near us. The amazing thing was as soon as he heard the music start he would sit still in mine or Sean's lap and just watch, he was truly awe struck and loved the music. As soon as it stopped he would get restless and start running around again. He was such a busy boy! =)

So as soon as the music started we pretty much had nonstop tears for the whole service but the feeling of his presence was so strong, for me at least, that it was comforting. Charlie is always with us and always will be. It's like a line in "Charlie's Song" it says: "Make me a rainbow I'll shine down on my mother, she will know I'm safe with you as she stands under my colors."

Always Loved and Never Forgotten, we miss you Charlie!

Our sweet baby Charlie has gone to be with the angels in heaven, this I know. That day, June 6^th, 2011 has played in my head on repeat since our baby left this world to go be with God and do his work from heaven. It was a horror film for the first several weeks but eventually, as promised by God, time is starting to heal us. We still feel much pain and have many questions and probably always will but at the same time I personally feel some peace about what has happened. I can remember all the good and how no matter who he was around they couldn’t help but smile because of him. I truly believe that Charlie was an angel sent from God and God has had a plan from the beginning. I don’t agree with the fact that Charlie left so young and I often question whether it was His plan or whether it was chance but I try to remember that God love all the children and is taking good care of our baby.

We tried for almost three years to have Charlie and when he was seven months old we were blessed with the pregnancy of Cannon. From the moment Charlie was born I always called him my angel and always felt so much wonder and amazement when I looked at him. I previously thought what I was feeling was what any mother felt when they looked at their child. However, since all this happened I feel that a part of me has always known but I just didn’t want to face the reality.

For example, for about two weeks prior to Charlie passing I would talk to my mother-in-law, Jackie, and tell her how I couldn’t help the overwhelming feeling that every time I would leave Charlie it would be the last time I see him. I did my best to shake the feeling and to move on. So on that day I dropped him off and after playing for a half hour I left him with our dear friend Sara so I could go get my glucose test done and a sonogram.  I even told her about the same feelings I was having and how overwhelming it was that particular day. Again, I shook it off and went on to my appointment. I kept having this fear that something was wrong each time she text me back because it took several minutes for the replies to make it to my phone but continued to shake off the feeling. I am known to be a worrier so I was trying to be strong and not worry so much.

As mothers we truly do have an intuition, six senses, or whatever you want to call it.  It doesn’t matter whether Charlie was with me, Sean or anyone else for that matter; what happened was a terrible tragedy and the outcome would have been the same no matter what, where, or who he was with.

I have learned so much from what has happened and I intend to do my best to always follow my heart no matter what. We have a permanent Guardian Angel and his memories and laughter will ALWAYS be with us. We will teach Cannon and hopefully our other children in the future all about Charlie and how he could light up a room with just his angel smile.

We are at peace and it is time to move forward from this but please, if you knew Charlie don’t ever let his memory fade.

Mommy and daddy will always love you sweet angel Charlie! Rest in peace chunka munka.